How To Navigate Entering A New Relationship
Relationships. They’re complicated, or so we’ve been told through dating coaches on Tiktok and “relatable” tv-shows full of scandal. They can bring out the absolute best, but also the absolute worst sides of our minds, hearts, and emotions. Many times, you’ll uncover sides of yourself you never even knew existed when you start to fall hard for someone. Even Manhattan’s hottest playboy Chuck Bass managed to get insecure when Blair came into the picture. Love can drive you crazy, but it is also one of the most beautiful feelings to experience; physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. But, what if you’ve never experienced a REAL relationship before? Sure, you may have been #1 snapchat best friends with some guy you met on Hinge; but entering a real, all-in relationship for the first time, or even again after a breakup, can feel like taking your first steps. Wobbly, moments of doubt, spurts of confidence, and the decision to keep moving forward when things get a little shaky.
This generation of dating culture is… well, inadequate to say the least. A connection is seeked out based on a profile of your most basic attributes, whether you’re a swipe right or swipe left, or if you’re just looking for a “good time.” For us hopeless romantics, we’re just looking for a reason to be hopeful in love. However, if we’re lucky, stars align and we meet someone that manages to keep us awake at night fantasizing about every little moment you’ve spent together. It’s hard, if not nearly impossible, to not sit and overthink about, “what is this going to be?”, “will this be IT for me?”, “what if I’m not ready?”, etc etc. Like I said, the best and the worst. I’m here to help ease your mind, at least as much as it allows me to, when entering this new, thrilling, and semi-terrifying chapter of your life. It’s a ride, so strap in tight.
Set realistic expecations
If you’re extremely driven by your emotions, or have way too many pisces placements in your chart such as myself, you may jump WAY far into the future when you begin crushing hard on someone. With that comes expectations to fulfill your emotional needs; expectations that right off that bat are probably unrealistic considering you met the guy (or whoever you have your sights set on) like… a week ago???
Slow DOWN. I know you like them, but this is new, so treat it as such. Tread carefully instead of diving head first into the deep end. That alone is a recipe to drown. Get to know them, one day at a time. Not everyday will feel like a fairytale romance. They may be on your mind constantly, but they have a life that you just recently became a part of. You can’t expect them to be 100% attentive to you, praise the ground you walk on, or cancel their plans to spend time with you. Imagine if someone was asking YOU to do that. Yeah, you’d get overwhelmed pretty fast.
It’s GOOD to be excited about someone. It’s NOT good to be expecting husband material after a couple of dates. Just enter this connection as friends first. Sure, you may be dreaming about ripping their clothes off, but as fun as that may be, it doesn’t build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. Show you’re in this for REAL by BEING real. Once you show you’re not just interested in them for their body or for pleasure, the better the chance of them truly opening up to you. This goes both ways. Make sure they’re making you feel seen and validated in the little ways first. The closer you get emotionally, the better all the other stuff gets. Just don’t expect a prince on his trusty steed to come and sweep you off your feet and live happily ever after upon first sight (or DM). Slow down and enjoy the journey. If this is the one, you’ll remember all the exciting little moments the most. We love a slow burn;)
limit “girlfriend privleges”
This is personally one of my hardest lessons I need to follow (and probably still don’t because I love to make others feel incredibly special). But, don’t show and give them EVERYTHING right at the beginning. If you’ve been waiting for a mutual connection, the second you finally have it you may want to do all of the pinterest-worthy girlfriend gestures you have saved over the last however many years. You know, the way too long note in your notes app of the most romantic ways to show someone you care that you’ve kept tabs on from watching hundreds of rom coms.
Don’t worry, I have my own list too. However, save these for when the time is truly right, not just because you have an opportunity to use them. Allow him to show you that he is just as invested in making YOU feel special as you are for him. Keep a healthy balance. If you see something at the store and think of him, or want to write him a note and slip it in his backpack, by all means, follow that instinct! If he’s the right guy, he won’t see it as “too much too soon.” In fact, he’ll probably be smiling about it weeks after you give it to him. Give the relationship flame time to flicker before it burns.
By that I mean, start slow. Maybe don’t buy his parents Christmas gifts if you’ve only been talking for a few months. Yes, you may have been preparing for this moment; the moment to PROVE that you can and will be the BEST woman this man has ever known. As you should! However, instead of trying to “prove” to him anything, do things when the universe naturally opens a door for these little girlfriend-esque gestures to occur. You don’t need to try so hard to win a man over because chances are, if he really does like you, all he cares about most is making YOU happy. Then, when you show you want the same… that’s a recipe for success.
communication is key.
COMMUNICATE. I know, everyone preaches the cliche, “communication is key” but that is for very valid reasons. How do you expect to build trust and genuine love with another human if you can’t express what you’re really thinking and feeling? The only way to understand someone is to allow a flow of open, honest conversation. The sooner you establish this, the easier it becomes. Sure, you want to show the BEST sides of yourself and filter out the maybe not as cute sides when you’re first getting to know someone you like. That is natural. However, it’s also better to be authentic from the get-go. Why waste time in a “performative” or “manufactured” version of yourself in order to win another over? Trust me, that will not last long, or end well.
The whole point of entering a real relationship is to choose someone who wants to know, and SEE all sides of you. Someone who will still see you as the most wonderful girl in the world after you cried because your uber eats order was canceled and all you wanted was pineapple fried rice. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience.
If you really like them, tell them. Yes, I said what I said. Don’t be so CAUTIOUS with your feelings in order to make them “less afraid.” If they’re scared of real feelings, then it’s time you move on to someone who has the emotional capacity to let you in. If there’s something you love that they do, like facetiming you out of the blue, let them know. Or, if there’s concerns you have or clarity you need about certain aspects of your connection- ASK. The worst thing is they say they’re not ready to talk about it yet. Okay, at least now they know what’s on your mind and can come to you and talk about it when they’re ready too. A lot of the time, they’re feeling the same way or want to talk about these things too, but are afraid YOU will find it to be too much. Let’s avoid all of this avoidance and just, simply, communicate. It’s only complicated because our generation has made it that way. Let’s get rid of that unnecessary drawback and nip it in the bud, shall we?
be honest about your experience
Talking openly about your experience, whether that be with emotional and/or physical intimacy can be extremely nerve-wracking. If you’re like me, you’re incredibly selective with who you open your heart up to, but even more selective with who you’re physically intimate with. Sparking up these kinds of conversations can be vulnerable, and finding the “right time” to talk about them may feel like finding a needle in a haystack. I will start by saying this, any man who makes you feel uncomfortable for talking about this or asking about it is the wrong guy. Trust me. This topic is deep, and may seem “taboo” for some. However, in order to meet each other where you are and create a safe space of comfort and consent, you must bring up experience relatively early in a new relationship.
Some confuse this with needing to spill your entire history, sexual or otherwise. Talking about your experience and what you’re ready or not ready for is very different from asking for a body count or details about past relationships. I’m a firm believer in focusing on the now and on the future, the past can stay where it is, in the past. You can end up falling for someone who was a total player, but for you, he is loyal. Don’t hold someone’s history against them unless they show you that those are their true colors (aka RED FLAGS). If both parties are genuinely invested in growing the connection and getting deeper with one another, these conversations will flow with ease and safety. I knew my person was the right person to take next steps with when he made me feel so incredibly safe to talk about anything on my mind and didn’t make me feel less than for having less experience. In fact, he reminded me that it’s more than okay to be careful with my heart and reassured me he will be patient and be a safe space. That’s how it should feel, and nothing less.
If you’re unsure how to bring this topic up, start small. You can say something simple like, “hey, I know this is new, but I just wanted to let you know I really respect you and want to make sure we understand each other's comfort and experience level as we continue getting to know each other.” Not every text needs to be perfectly worded or super flirty. Vulnerability is SEXY. It sounds cliche, but everything happens in perfect timing. Sometimes the topic just comes up naturally. Don’t try to pre-plan it, chances are the real conversations aren’t at all like the fake conversations you practiced in your room. Just stay present, open, and honest. If he’s the right one, he will do the same.
know love languages
Admit it, we’ve all taken the love languages quiz at LEAST five times during middle school and high school. We each have our own unique love languages that make us feel loved, or are how we express our love to others. Whether yours be words of affirmation (like mine), or physical touch; it’s actually really important to understand your personal love languages as well as your partners. Sometimes, a love language you prefer may not be the strength of your partner. Don’t write things off immediately, find a way to meet one another half way. Say you’re long distance but quality time is one of your love languages… yeah that’s a tough one. I will say now, two people who are meant to be and want to make it work will always find a way. So don’t let this discourage you. Instead of getting in panic mode, find a solution! Plan days where you spice things up over text, have facetime dates, and plan trips you can put on your calendar where you can count down the days until you see each other again.
Understanding both of your love languages will strengthen the ways in which each of you show up for each other, and also help you find ways to show up for yourself if they can’t all the time. Remember, you’re both HUMAN. To put all of your happiness as someone else’s responsibility is unhealthy. If you love to receive gifts but your partner is more of an “acts of service” kinda guy; buy yourself coffee and flowers weekly and let him show up for you in ways he’s confident. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself wanting to grow in the ways that fulfill their love language, even if it wasn’t your strength in the beginning and vice versa. You know yourself best! Make sure your needs are fulfilled, but also don’t put SO much pressure on your partner to be perfect. A relationship is meant to grow and be an opportunity to learn more about yourself just as much as it is to learn about your person. So send those paragraphs and voice memos if that’s how you show your love, but don’t get in your head if they don’t do the exact same back. Make sure they’re still expressing their care and attention to you, but maybe in ways they know best!
stay true to you/express insecurities
Never change, for anyone. You are MORE than enough just as you are. You are not unlovable, you are not too much, you are not annoying or overbearing; you are wonderfully and beautifully YOU. As someone with scars from past relationships, I understand how it feels when triggers arise and all you want to do is run or self-sabotage. As sad as it is, it’s normal to take any little action that feels familiar to someone that hurt you and automatically assume this guy is doing the same. Before reacting and pushing them away, give yourself space to feel and give them time to show up for you. People in the past may have made you feel insecure in different ways that have caused you to put your guard up. You loved in the way you love, and they shot it down or couldn’t receive it. This doesn’t mean no one will know how to love you or receive your love; it only means these past men didn’t deserve you or weren’t ready for you.
We’re taught to be incredibly confident and in our dominant feminine energy. While yes, this is KEY in some regards (and I’ll get to that next), it’s also important to know our insecurities and how to overcome them as well as express them openly to our partner. In order to build a relationship that is healthy and set up for success, you need to stay true to yourself right from the get go. And no, I don’t mean sharing every single personal detail or weird quirk you have; make sure there’s things that maybe stay between you and, well, you. What I mean is show your heart. Love means seeing someone, all sides of them, and choosing them again and again despite their “flaws.” I have anxious attachment. I know this about myself. There’s days where if I don’t hear from the person I like, I spiral. I know it’s not healthy, but I feel the feelings and let my partner know where some insecurities I have in love stem from. Communicating this shows you truly care about this connection and want to grow and heal yourself while growing the relationship simultaneously. Again, it’s not about being the “perfect version of you,” it’s about showing where you are with willingness and commitment to growth.
Just as much as you want your person to do this for you, in return it’s important to understand their wounds and insecurities. Strength is built in safety. The more you allow your true self to shine through, the more you invite them to be their true selves and open up to you about deeper feelings. Really liking someone can feel like ecstasy, but it can also lead to losing a sense of self in order to “please.” Make a commitment to yourself first. Promise yourself that you won’t change any part of you to fit someone else’s ideal, but instead trust you are enough as you are, know there is always room for growth, and believe you have the strength to walk away if you aren’t being respected or appreciated just as you are.
stay on your own pedestAL
Being a woman is POWERFUL. We have a balance of both soft and strong feminine that make us complex, emotional, alluring, and compelling. However, when it comes to love, sometimes we forget this power. We begin to chase, or give too much of ourselves in order to receive the love it is we desire. Or, many times, we self-sabotage by settling for less than we deserve because we see potential instead of realizing how we’re being treated is not okay.
I’m here to propose a pact. A promise that, if you’re reading this, from today onward, we choose ourselves. We choose to empower ourselves and one another and realize that we are the damn prize. Yes, you can meet a man who is your DREAM man and shower him with so much love, but don’t let that stop you from showering yourself with just as much love, admiration, and affection. I honestly believe in the law of assumption and that what we think about, believe, and act as is what we become and attract. The more you choose each day to love yourself, affirm that you are a beautiful incredible woman any man is lucky to have, and walk with grace and confidence- nothing, especially a man, can tear you down.
My favorite ways to stay on my own pedestal are; saying daily affirmations that help me reprogram negative beliefs, listening to empowering music, talking with my girlfriends, journaling, dancing, getting dressed up and taking cute selfies, and talking to myself as if my younger self and future self are listening. Please, do not lose yourself in trying to win someone else over. It’s not worth it. Instead, focus on bettering your own life, and when the right man comes in to compliment all that it is you’re already doing, that’s when a true, healthy connection is born.
enjoy the present
I could add about twenty more things to this list, but I will end it with this; enjoy the present. It’s easy to get swept away into fantasies about walking down the aisle or growing old together, but try your best to stay focused on the now. Looking too far ahead into the future can set unintentional expectations on the trajectory of your relationship and onto your partner. Life is one thing, and that is constant change. Instead of deciding exactly what you want your future to be with this person and standing too firm in that vision, allow room to let things flow. The more space you have to breathe, pivot, adjust, and grow- the better. Could this be your forever person? Sure. But if it’s not, that’s okay too. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you have to trust that if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Don’t try and force the narrative, let your love story write itself, one day at a time. Honestly, it’s way more exciting that way and a hell of a lot less stressful. I know today who I choose, and that is me and him. Each day, I wake up and make that choice with the information that is given to me, the feelings I have, and the way I am treated.
Every relationship looks different. Some people meet and fall in love so fast you get whiplash. Others, it may take a few months before you even decide to have your first kiss. No matter the pace, trust in your own journey and don’t compare your love story to others. With that being said, also know your “typical pace” may change depending on the person. That’s okay too! You may know in your heart you feel safe with someone after the first time you hangout, that you’re comfortable to take things a little bit faster than you have before. Great! Just be present in growing an authentic connection while remaining true to yourself, your boundaries, and being honest about the capacity you have to give and receive. Don’t force outcomes, but also don’t stop yourself from allowing something/someone truly wonderful into your life out of fear. Whether you take all of this advice, or even just one tidbit of guidance, trust your own heart. At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own happiness. Take risks, make sure you’re respecting yourself and feel respected, and enjoy the feelings of falling for someone new. Love is scary, yes, but it is also the most incredible and beautiful feeling in this world. You deserve to feel it as deeply as you give it, so go enjoy this new chapter, and be the beautiful, confident, badass you are every step of the way;)
Love,
Alyssa
