life’s little lessons (as I learn them)
welcome to my heart space :
I’ve been writing and sharing lessons I’ve learned in my life, everyday, since January 3rd, 2023 on my Instagram stories. One of my resolutions this year was to begin to journal daily again. This is for two main purposes; one, to begin my first novel (which truthfully I have no idea what I want it to be yet, so I’m hoping this kinda helps it write itself), and two, to really sit with my feelings and reflect on my experiences to see the bigger picture.
We are always learning and being taught ways to evolve and grow into better versions of ourselves. However, sometimes we get SO caught up in life that we forget to pause, breathe, and zoom out. To see that maybe, amidst the stress and anxieties of being an independent person trying to make it ALL work, there’s a softness in it all. Writing these journals has helped me soften my heart, listen to my soul, and truly see how God (or whatever you believe in) is working in my life in big magnificent ways, even when I don’t quite understand how just yet. So far, I’ve learned a LOT about trust, taking risks, love, and how the little things in our day to day lead to one big beautiful, ever expanding life.
If you take anything away from reading these entries I hope it is this: to open your heart to possibility, to trust in the timing of your life (and that better is always on it’s way), and to show yourself more grace. At the end of the day, only we know ourselves best; for we spend every second of every day, well, with ourselves. I think we need to normalize talking to ourselves a little bit more, and this is my way of doing so. I hope my words can touch your heart, mind, or soul- even if just once. Thank you for being here. Here’s to becoming better than we were yesterday.
artists of our own masterpiece
I'm learning to be okay with the "unknowns" of my life.
What will my career look like five years from now? Will I end up with the person that I thought I might? Will I still be living in this apartment, city, or even state 3 years from now? How much "success" am I going to achieve in the next year? I'm always finding myself wondering about all of the details of my future from the perspective of my present. And yet, when I look back at where I was a year ago; all of the unknowns I had then and seeing where I am now, I couldn't have predicted ANY of it. I knew I was going to be living in a new city with new people and start new jobs. That's IT. I didn't know I'd meet some of the greatest people in my life, make a home in an apartment I once only had on my vision board, join a team of petite models looking to change the industry for the better, learn to be so emotionally brave, or be working practically five jobs at once. I didn't know a single detail; I just knew the most basic outline.
The blanks were filled in in was so beautiful and unexpected and so imperfectly perfect that I can't believe I lived without all of these people and things in my life just 365 days ago. Life is always changing and evolving and we will always have unknowns that we wish we had the answers to. And yet, the BEST part about experiencing life is that we don't have the answers in advance, we get to experience them and create them and grow with them and LIVE in them as they're revealed.
It's like painting one brush stroke at a time until the picture completes itself. We live in our own masterpiece, adding new colors and shapes and dimensions as we live each day. We are artists, and we have creative freedom: so why not make our paintings loud, colorful, beautiful, and bold?
June 1, 2023how to be alone without being lonely
Today was one of those days that reminded me to learn to love being alone. Now, I'm not saying we need to grow accustomed to feeling lonely. No. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone means you spend a large majority of your day with, well, you. Being lonely means you feel like you have no-one around you who truly wants to care for you. I can guarantee you this- all of us have at LEAST one person who cares so so deeply for us that they'd quite literally move mountains just to make sure we're okay.
We choose loneliness, but we don't always choose to be alone. I'm learning to be alone without allowing myself to feel the pain of loneliness. I go to work, I go to my workout classes, I talk on the phone with loved ones; but once that is all said and done, it's just me. I walk by myself to all of these places, I wake up in my apartment where it's just me and my thoughts, and I lie in my bed at night with no one to say goodnight to as I fall asleep. I do it all alone. It's a time in my life where I am grateful for this time to be with just me, for it allows me to become my own biggest source of love, safety, support, understanding, grace, confidence, and peace.
I can get these things from people outside of me, sure- but I know I will ALWAYS have these things because I have God inside of me, and I can be complete as I am. I know one day soon, I won't be living alone. I'll be starting a new chapter with a life partner, a pet, and eventually a family. I'II be craving more "alone time." I'm learning to embrace this time alone because I know l'm not TRULY alone, l'm in my own company and get to choose when to be in the company of others; and it's a freedom that is teaching me a lot and I'm embracing every day of it.
May 31, 2023edit your list.
Today was one of those days where I zoomed out a bit at all that I'm currently processing and achieving and stumbling-through and kicking-ass at simultaneously. I think sometimes we forget to do this often enough. To really look at our lives and how much we handle on a day to day; between juggling jobs, chasing dreams, healing ourselves, pursuing relationships, paying the bills, maintaining a social life, eating healthy, staying in shape, managing passion projects, getting enough sleep, and about a dozen more things on this list all jam packed into 24 hours. Which, when you subtract getting at least 8 hours of sleep, 16 hours. That's a LOT.
We each have our own unique list too. More so, we don't fully know what is on each person's list. We may look at someone else's life and say "wow, they have it so easy" when in reality their list consists of fighting an addiction, grieving, battling anxiety, and going through heartbreak. We NEVER know. And yet, we each have our receipts of what each day costs us. Both literally and figuratively. Yes, life is expensive (hello luxury high-rise city rent !). But each day also costs us energy, bravery, time, discipline, emotions- I can go on and on. Take a moment to look at your list. What can you take off of it that isn't serving you? Where do you have room to add things that will improve your 16 hours of non-sleeping time?
Think small; drinking more water, reading 10 pages of a book, calling a parent or a friend. Think BIG; sending long letters to someone you care about, auditioning for that show you really want to book, applying for a new job. Each day, review your list. Adjust. Not everyday will look the same. That is OKAY.
Love your list, and help it create the life you LOVE to live.
May 30, 2023being a little more human
Today reminded me of the importance of keeping your heart open. You never know how one small act of kindness could help someone immensely, as we never truly know what someone else is going through. We may think that just because everyone seems to have it all together, there's always something deeper going on behind the scenes in each of our lives that sometimes no one else, not even our closest friends, can quite understand or comprehend.
The best thing we can do is show up. Sometimes it's just by giving a hug when it's needed; other times it's staying up on the phone until 3am when you work at 6am just because you know that person just needs someone to listen to them. I also feel that some of us, especially us empaths out there, want to be the comfort for so many others, but when it's our turn to need or seek that comfort, we're afraid of "burdening" anyone else with our feelings that we put on a brave face while inside we're breaking. I encourage you, if you're also this way, to let yourself break down a little more around those you know can help piece you back together. It's important for those we love to show up for us in the same way we show up for them.
Believe me, I know it's scary. I cried ONCE in high school over reasons I was actually sad about and I ran and hid immediately because no one had seen me cry before (unless it was for happy emotional reasons). Showing feelings other than bubbly happiness and positivity when that's what you're known for can feel TERRIFYING, but it also makes us more human. Let's allow ourselves the space and freedom to be a little more human than we give ourselves the grace to be.
May 27, 2023temporary pain for lasting happiness
Today reminded me that we aren't as alone in what we're going through as we may think. Sometimes you have a conversation you weren't expecting to have but ends up being exactly what you need to hear. That happened to me with a great friend of mine; we're both going through basically the same struggle just on opposite sides of the coin. We were able to discuss each perspective and gain a real understanding of what it's like to be in each person's shoes.
It's funny how we truly are always in the right place at the right time. It's talks like this that help ease my mind when all it wants to do is run wild and spiral into a million fake scenarios and self-sabotaging beliefs. They ground me. They remind me that I'm not the only one who is, or has, gone through the feelings I'm experiencing. I was also reminded that this period of time will not last forever. Things will get better, easier, and figure themselves out with time and space. It put me in this perspective of trust; that one day all of this will just be a small part of this story and will ultimately lead me, and anyone else involved, to exactly where we're meant to be at the exact right time that's best for us. That this temporary hurt is only that, temporary, and it's leading me to greater happiness; even if it's taking a little longer.
Trusting in that helps me to not feel so much weight as I go about my day. It makes me feel just a little lighter, and I can live freely knowing this is all happening for a greater reason. One day I'II know it, but until then, I enjoy the moments in between.
May 26, 2023to being young and fun!
Today was such a fun reminder to not take everything quite so seriously. Sometimes you just have to go out with your best friends on a Wednesday night, be the young twenty-somethings you are, and find yourself at a rooftop party for a University you definitely did not go to. It was spontaneous and felt like a movie moment- and it was SO much fun. I think we all deserve to romanticize our lives a bit more. To create more
"movie moments" in our lives. To pour your heart out, dance with people you just met to your favorite songs, cook new recipes just because, and enjoy the shit out of your life in any big or small ways each day offers you. It's truly a choice to make each day feel like a new episode in the series of your life. Do things as often as possible to make your life more fun and add in some variety when life begins to feel mundane. For me, if there's days where I just keep going to my same few jobs and begin to feel like I'm stuck in a loop, I'll purposefully choose an objective to keep me in a space of discovery.
Maybe it's intentionally asking guests where they're visiting from and getting to know people I'II likely only know for that one day in my life. What a great day to meet someone new for just that day. Or maybe I'll switch up my workout routine for a bit and see how my body feels different and strong in new ways. Life doesn't have to be boring when we're busy, it's just up to us to find the excitement in the seemingly unvarying routines of our daily lives. Then, on those big movie moment days, it'll feel THAT much more thrilling.
May 24, 2023right in this moment in time.
Today was a reminder to myself to do what in MY heart feels right. Sometimes it's bold choices that require me to put my heart on the line, go for something in which I have no idea what l'm doing, quitting a job without something completely lined up, etc etc etc. I realize that every decision I made may not "make sense" to anyone else but me, and yet those choices always end up proving themselves to be the right choices. I've been giving myself support in making these bold, not quite clear but in my gut feel right, choices rather than shutting myself down and saying things like "that's stupid don't send that you'll just embarrass yourself" or"you have no clue what you're doing."
Now, the scarier the decision feels but is in the direction of what I truly desire, I encourage myself harder than ever. I'm definitely a girl who will ask for advice from my closest friends and family over and over but always end up going with what I knew in my heart all along I wanted to do, whether they agreed with it completely or not. This doesn't mean don't listen to the advice of those who REALLY know you.
Trust me, I could've saved myself a lot of time and heartache if actually listened to my friends when they'd point out red flags in any person or situation that I kept"seeing the best in." But, I also learned and grew immensely from those experiences, so l'm grateful they played out exactly as they did, even if I didn't get it perfectly right. It was right for that moment in time, and everything is right in its own moment in time now and again.
May 23, 2023grounding.
Today, as I was on my intended "hot girl walk" where I typically listen to empowering music and shut out the world, my playlist chose otherwise. I found myself listening to music that would play during a movie montage of beautiful moments shared between people just living their lives. As this music played, instead of"shutting out the world" I focused entirely on taking it all in. My mind wasn't drifting into day dreams or past experiences, it was grounded in the present. I watched as an older couple held hands and were smiling so hard as if they were experiencing young love for the first time. I saw a baby blowing bubbles and his Mom taking little videos that I'm sure she'll play at his high school graduation party. I saw how the sun reflected on the water, how dogs look so lovingly at their owners, how the breeze felt on my face as I walked the lakefront.
While I was all by myself, I didn't feel alone. I got to experience a tiny glimpse into the lives of so many people; memories they were making as they were living them. I stopped worrying about the things that were on my mind about the past or the future, and just took an hour to look outside of my mind. It's strange how much time slows down when we live so much of it stuck in our heads. I think the more we get grounded in where we are while we're there and stop putting so much energy into what we can't control right now, the quicker everything will fall into place. The quicker that job will get back to you, the quicker that phone call you've been waiting on will come, the quicker your desires will finally come in because you're no longer focusing on the lack of what isn't there; but rather, you're focused on how much is already here! How much joy is found around you when you open your eyes and look for it.
May 20, 2023from a box to a mansion of possibility
Today was a super important reminder to speak of the future with big intentions of accomplishing all that it is you dream of, no matter how "far-fetched" or intimidating it may seem. I've been realizing quite often that it's my own thoughts and limiting beliefs that get in my way more than anything. There are so many things I want to experience, especially when it comes to love and my career.
And yet, when it comes time to actually doing the things to get there, a little voice in my head will be like "oh but what if this or that happens" and talks me right back into my box that I know in my heart I've outgrown. I'm ready to kick my box to the curb (lovingly) and move forward with confidence, even if that confidence is simply faking it until I make it.
In love, it's just saying how I TRULY feel, even if I don't get a response. In my career, it is taking steps every single day to hone in on my craft and apply to top agencies I'd DREAM of signing with and auditioning left and right. It's taking action steps every day, big or small, in the direction of my desires. It's surrounding myself with people who believe in these dreams of mine with me and remind me l'm ready and deserving of them when that little, nagging, unsupportive voice gets a little too loud. It's being fearless even when l'm afraid. It's growing out of my box and stepping into a mansion of possibility. The only way to get there is to start.
May 19, 2023“until someday.”
Today I was thinking about emotional attachment.
How sometimes we hold onto things, even if they aren't good for us, because despite how they may hurt, they're familiar. The strange thing about this is how long it sometimes takes for us to finally realize that familiar pain shouldn't be something we attach ourselves to, but something we actively decide to cut the cord from. I've experienced this quite a few times. I know I'm not experiencing the kind of happiness I deserve, and yet l'm so familiar with past pain that if this (still not idea situation) is a LITTLE bit better than the last, it's worth staying for. Pardon my french, but f*ck that. I don't want to keep settling in heart spaces that don't make me feel appreciated. I don't want to hold myself back from dreams I know I'm capable of because "at least I'm making money" doing jobs I really don't love. I want to LOVE and be loved and do what I love and live from a place of harmony, not from a place of insecure attachment and worry.
I truly believe that once we fully allow ourselves to detach, trust that better is on its way, and believe in "someday", every day leading forward will feel like an opportunity to invite so much goodness in. If there's a person or a job or a dream you know right now isn't serving your heart but still hope one day it will, just say, "until someday." It's not closing a door forever, it allows space for growth, healing, and better to be built. Let's enjoy our today's on our way to our somedays.
May 18, 2023Refreshed and ready to kick ass
Today reminded me that it's okay to "get out of your routine" for a little while. After being away for nearly 12 days, I came back to Chicago and felt inspired, and simultaneously overwhelmed, with how much work I have ahead of me. Sure, I'm getting back into my day job schedule to pay the bills, yes. But I'm talking about the real, busting my ass, on a grind to make my dreams come true work.
The "5-9" before/after your 9-5 type work. I knew what I had to do before I went away, but I think escaping all of it for just the right amount of time lit a fire in my soul to really WORK. It took me getting out of my routine to see more clearly the new ways I can adjust my routine to better serve me and my goals. While it was nice to relax and unplug for a bit, I was eager by the end of my trip to get back. That eagerness felt refreshing. It was a reminder to myself that I want more. That I see a future for myself that's bigger than my present and it's up to me and only me to truly make it happen. I came back with a motivation to create more for myself. I've been living in this city for a year now, I feel settled, so it's time to get "uncomfortable" again and do what scares me in the most thrilling ways. My vacation wasn't a restart, it was a refresh.
I feel refreshed, but determined as hell. I can't wait to see what's next and to finally be doing work that truly inspires me full time.
May 17, 2023you’re young and cute!
Today was a beautiful day that felt like so many moments that individually would've made me happy across multiple days all seemingly happened at once. Iwas reunited with so many friends I haven't seen in over a year, saw amazing theater, ate delicious food, and walked around the city I fell in love with years ago. As I caught up with one of my most inspiring friends (hi Bessie!) and was explaining to her some of the things that have been cluttering up my mind and heart space, she looked at me and said "you're too young and cute to deal with all of this." | looked back and was like, "You know what, you're SO RIGHT." I'm putting myself through stress and emotional pain and overwhelm at a time when l'm supposed to be the MOST free.
Quite literally my only big responsibility is myself. I don't have kids or a dog or a mortgage. I just have my rent, some bills, and my dreams to chase. I keep causing unnecessary stress in my life over things that should be FUN; work, love, relationships, social life, friendships, etc etc etc. I think I need to just let myself be cute and young a little bit more. Especially now when I don't have diapers to change or insurance to pay for. I shouldn't be taking on weight that I don't need to carry; for it only slows me down. I need to allow in what propels me forward; and sometimes that means letting go in order to get back on that fast track to a life I know I'm ready and worthy to live.
The life where day by day I get a little less young, sure, but a little more cute too;)
May 16, 2023Write your own fairytale
Today, as I watched the show in which my brother is making his BROADWAY DEBUT, I was reminded of the importance of two main things; one, to never dismiss your needs in midst of another's, and two, how self-reliance is KEY to writing your story the way you want it to be written. As I write these journals, I like to view it as a story I will one day read to my own kids, or a story thousands of strangers may read and hear exactly what it is their heart needs to hear. In order to make this story one full of beautiful moments and proof that anything you dream of is possible; it's up to ME. It's up to me to become the woman I know I'm destined to be.
It's up to me to make sure I don't teach "future readers" to doubt themselves, settle for less than they deserve, play themselves small, dismiss their own feelings, and not chase after their biggest goals because of fear. No. I refuse to make that the story I write, and it certainly will not be the story I tell. It's up to me to CHOOSE to write and create one full of self-confidence, never settling, being brave, owning my empathy with power, and running fast and hard in the direction of all that scares me with full faith it'll lead to more than I ever dreamed of.
Whenever I feel myself self-narrating that first super not-inspiring, kinda a big bummer story; I flip the script. I stop myself, erase that sorry narrative, and re-write. I re-write the story I want to be able to read back one day with so much joy and gratitude. The story where I go after all that it is I dream of, and succeed, and really go after it ALL, even if it's scary. Especially then.
May 15, 2023“Am I considered a Pushover?”
Today really had me thinking about what it means to be one who "always sees the best in people." Does this make me naive? Am I foolish to think and believe everyone's words and intentions are true, at least in the moment they speak them?
Am I wrong to believe everyone has an opportunity to grow and become better? I don't think I am, but I also know that using this perspective should not and cannot dismiss things that aren't good for my own happiness and journey. I am learning that it's okay for me to believe in the best in people because I always know we're each going through more than anyone from an outsider's perspective will fully understand. But in doing this, I can do this from a distance. I can see the best in people without allowing myself to be an afterthought. I can do this without allowing my own well-being to be pushed aside or placed second.
It's easy to be seen as a "pushover", but there HAS to be a way to have faith in people's growth and hearts but at the same time acknowledging that maybe they aren't in a good place to be a good thing in your life. At least for now. I'm still learning to find this balance; but I will always see people through a lens of love, and even if it gets me hurt sometimes, I won't let that harden my heart
May 14, 2023processing pain (without being petty)
Today reminded me that sometimes you just have to let it all out. All of the bottled up feelings, words you've kept inside by biting your tongue, tears you blink away so you don't feel as if you're giving another person or situation power- all of it. The BEST things we can do for ourselves is to set ourselves free of emotions, thoughts, and feelings we hold captive. This doesn't mean you should call and list off every little thing you're upset about or overwhelmed by to any given person or blocking tons of people on social media. I mean, if that's what makes you feel better, than by all means GO FOR IT.
There are ways to relieve yourself of this internal torture that won't be blaming, hurtful, or painful to anyone else. It's writing it all out as a long paragraph text you'll never actually send, it's speaking words aloud as if the person you want to say this to is in the room, it's journaling until your hand cramps, it's praying even when it feels desperate, and it's crying until you quite literally have no tears left in you. It's called moving forward with responsibility for yourself. It's SO much easier to pin all of your anger, hurt, or sadness on things and people outside of you and "tell them off" for "making you feel this way."
However, the much healthier thing to do is to find ways to heal in silence. To find a select few to truly confide in, discover what areas YOU may need to strengthen in your own self-beliefs and image, and see it all as an opportunity to grow into a more graceful, compassionate, emotionally intelligent vou. I know being petty seems fun, but it scarcely leads to anything satisfying long term. Be kind, especially to yourself.
May 13, 2023being emotionally brave
Today as I was reading "Tiny Beautiful Things" I came across a quote that talked of emotional bravery. It said that at all times in life, but especially in our twenties, we must learn emotional bravery. I reflected on this HARD. I like to consider myself emotionally brave, that is, until I think my emotions might scare someone else away. I am a deeply emotional girl, CLEARLY. I feel everything to my core and my emotions can highly influence my mood and productivity. However, they are what make me the empathetic, big loving, hopeless romantic human I am. Being emotionally brave is being fully honest with yourself about how you're feeling in a given moment. Being unapologetically emotional about the things you care about.
Yet, it's also having the courage to walk away and know that no matter how strongly you feel, you need to be able to know when to let go. You need to be brave. You need to choose to love yourself more than the pain of loving someone who isn't ready to love you; without it convincing you that you're unlovable or unworthy of the big love you give.
To be brave is to be vulnerable and pour your heart out no matter what the response may be. If we always operate out of fear of how someone will react or what they will say; we're always operating from a lie. For the truth is, we will never know the reactions we will receive from confessing our feelings; but we will feel more free. Setting yourself free, whether it be by speaking your deepest truth or knowing when to walk away, is emotional bravery to its core.
May 12, 2023when you don’t “feel pretty”
Today reminded me of the importance of how we speak to ourselves, especially on days we aren't feeling the most confident. I can feel like the most beautiful version of myself one day, and the next have voices in my head telling me I don't "look pretty enough" or "I look bad in every picture I take." I'm coming to this realization that I have this internalized pressure to always look "perfect."
As I was flipping through my photos I took yesterday I didn't like any of them. They didn't "hold up" to these ridiculous standards I've placed on myself because "I'm a model, these pictures should keep getting better or else I'm not doing my job." Looking back at those SAME pictures today, I saved over 50 of them. My dislike of them was from the fact that mentally, I didn't "feel pretty" that day; aka, my self-confidence was in a lull. It's not that I miraculously looked better overnight, it's that I reminded myself that I don't need to hold myself to this beauty standard that's unrealistic, and quite frankly, bullshit. I am so about reminding my friends and family how incredible and beautiful they are inside AND out, and yet I don't always do that for myself. I sometimes think that people only see me for the "out", but forget that the people in my life love me for my heart. That's partly why I share these entries now. Yes, my Instagram is basically a digital portfolio for modeling; it's compiled of my best photos so I can create a brand and image for myself.
However, that's not all I want it to be. I want it to be a collection of ALL of me; the parts that work hard and do photoshoot after photoshoot to make her dreams come true, but also the part that sits on her couch typing away her feelings and being honest about it all; unfiltered, unapologetic - me.
May 11, 2023WHen you can’t stop thinking about it.
Today reminded me that it's okay to think about things you know you "shouldn't be focusing on." Let's face it, if something or someone is on your mind, that's not going to just completely disappear because you "shouldn't be thinking about them/it right now." We are human. We have thousands of thoughts a day. Some just take up more mental space than others; especially ones that involve matters of the heart or big dreams you're achieving. Sometimes we fail to realize that forcing ourselves to "not think about it", only in turn causes us to think about it even MORE. In fact, it feels like when you're trying not to think of something, it's literally ALL you can think about.
So instead of slapping myself on the wrist anytime I think about a person or situation I'm trying to distract myself from, I let the thoughts in. I feel what it is that they make me feel for a moment, acknowledge that it's obviously something important to me hence why it's taking up real estate in my mind, and then I move onto the next moment. It's kinda like these thoughts are clouds; if you ignore them too much they build into a storm, eventually crashing. into your mind like lightning and destroying the so called "peace" you built off of the weak foundation of avoidance. On the other hand, if you allow the cloud to come, but sit in it too long, your mind becomes so hazy you can't see the beauty around you. So, you need to find balance. You let the thoughts and feelings come, see them for what they are, and let them pass. Moment by moment. Even if it's 20 times a day, let it in, then let it go with one deep breath, and enjoy where you are.
May 10, 2023Trusting the driver
Today was a reminder to hold true to your heart, even if outside circumstances are reflecting the opposite of what it desires. I truly believe we are put on this Earth to live out all of our dreams; we just have to have the courage, bravery, will, and faith in ourselves and God to actually do it. No one is just handed what it is that they want. If they are, it probably isn't nearly as satisfying receiving it as it is after a time of proving to yourself just how capable you truly are of accomplishing things bigger than you ever imagined for yourself. It's a combination of letting go, trusting that what it is you desire will be yours in the most perfect way, and holding onto that trust when you can't see it unfolding physically before you just yet. I mean, vision boards are created for a reason. One, to put all of your biggest goals and desires onto one page you can look at daily, yes.
But more importantly, to serve as a reminder to have unwavering faith in every aspect of that vision and spend every day knowing everything is working out. Knowing everything will be okay. Even if it feels like so many things are falling apart or moving backwards; there's still this inner knowing that somehow it's all leading you towards all that it is you hope for in this chapter of your life. Not only that, it is preparing you for your next chapter, which will be increasingly more epic and full of new possibilities than the one that came before. That's what makes life so exciting and scary and amazing; we know what it is we want right now, but those wants are ever changing, and thus our path is always adjusting. All we can do is trust the driver and point in the direction that we want to go next.
May 09, 2023going on “dnd” mode
Today reminded me that it’s okay to shut out the world for a little bit- ESPECIALLY when on vacation. There’s a lot weighing on my mind and on my heart right now, but I know I owe it to myself to let all of it go; at least for a week. To focus on taking a deep breath, being insanely grateful that I am in literal paradise with my parents who I love for an entire week, and having FUN. I sometimes feel this responsibility to deal with everything on my mind immediately instead of taking space to let the air clear. Instead of taking the time to let the energy settle down a bit, allow my mind ease up on thinking through every possible thing to say or do to make a situation better, and to just let GO. Even if for one singular week. The “outside world” will be okay without me. The things I’m trying to figure out will still be there in a few days, or maybe they’ll improve when I don’t suffocate them! I think we all owe it to ourselves to step outside of the glorious mess of life and sip a pina colada on the beach and forget about everything else. So, that’s what I am promising to myself this week. Whoever or whatever is taking up mental space is being escorted, and I’m freeing up my mind and heart to focus solely on this; relaxation and refreshment. I want to give myself the opportunity to not be so stressed about having it all right, and just allow things to be alright as they are. We’ll call it my “DND” week. I’ll of course still be here, typing away and posting updates of probably 20 beach photos a day- but once I post, I’m unavailable. I’m letting myself take a BREAK. You should too.
May 08, 2023when things feel hazy
Today was a big reminder in trusting the timing of your life. I’m definitely a person who gets anxious that when something I want or desire leaves, gets taken away, or just hasn’t happened yet - it will never come back or into full fruition. I will dream up a future of what’s next, and when something comes along and throws a curve ball in that vision, I grieve it as if that future was already happening in the present. I forget to realize that what’s ahead isn’t up to me completely. There is SO much in my life I’ve yet to experience, and maybe what’s happening right now must happen in order for me to experience what is truly meant for me. We don’t know what our love stories, career trajectories, or big life purposes are with 20/20 vision. It’s hazy. The only thing we can see is the direction in which we are heading, and it must always be forward, even if it feels like you’re taking steps back. All we can do is trust what is meant to be ours will be, no matter what obstacles come in between. Maybe something you “lost” still IS meant to be yours, just not at this exact moment in time. Maybe, just maybe, more needs to happen in the inbetween; growth, experiences, opportunities; before things can be right- before you can be truly happy with who or what it is you once had. I don’t know. All I know is everything that once didn’t make sense to me, one day, made perfect sense. I can’t force the timing to be right when God knows I need to wait just a little bit longer. So until then, I focus on the ways I can ease my heart and my mind and pour my love into myself and all that’s ready to receive it, one day at a time.
May 07, 2023
when you’re feeling lonely
Today was a reminder to find comfort in being alone. In some cases, we choose to isolate ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves or find calm in the anxiety of vulnerability. Other times, we find ourselves alone when we don't want or expect to be. I choose to live alone, I choose to be independent, but sometimes I’m left to be alone when all my heart wants is to have someone’s voice ready to respond to the words running through my mind and feelings pouring from my soul. Someone who, at the end of the day, just wants me there and I want there too. One day. Until that day, I surround myself with those who I know would never leave me feeling lonely when I just need a friend to hear about all of the minute details of my day; like the dog I saw in a pink stroller or how I finally found the umbrella I was missing in my backpack. Maybe, when I stop looking, that someone will appear again. Maybe I’ve been my own someone all along. At the end of the day, we are the only ones who spend every minute of our lives with ourselves, so how do we expect someone outside of us to know or understand us better than ourselves? I want a love that fills the gaps I feel sometimes, yes. However, I’m learning to be my own confidant, my own shoulder to cry on, and my own person. Whoever is meant to come along and join me in my life will be a wonderful addition, but not something that completes me; for I’ll do that on my own.
May 05, 2023Finding your waters
Today was a reminder to myself that it’s okay to not seek out what others may believe I “should” do or want at my age. I’m always seeking out opportunities for growth, seeing the world, connecting, learning, and chances to do what I love every single day. I’m not one to seek out a “good time” in the way others may define it. I’m not one to seek out temporary fixes or pleasure. I’d rather focus on myself and those always there for me until I know what or who comes into my life is something that wants to stay for the long haul. We all deserve to feel safe in our circumstances, as long as we don’t mistake this safety and comfort for reasons to not evolve and take risks. Consistency isn’t something to fear, it’s something to hold onto, even if it feels scary at times. I am consistent with those I love, with becoming a better human, and finding new ways to better myself so I can fulfill the purposes God has for me to hopefully better the lives of those around me and the world, at whatever capacity that may be. This doesn’t mean that those who find fun and joy in the things “typical” of twenty-somethings don’t want this too- we just all have different preferences in what makes us feel alive. Now is the time to dip your toes in different waters, find what ones you want to dive into head first, and which ones you’ll maybe tread for a little only to learn it just isn’t your pool.
May 04, 2023Patience vs Waiting
Today reminded me of the importance and distinction between patience and waiting. When you’re waiting for something, your heart is holding onto something so tight it can’t be free. Waiting feels like a record player on loop; endless until you choose to press pause. Patience is this pause. It doesn’t mean you’re letting go completely of any hope of your desires one day coming into fruition, it just means you aren’t letting the absence of them in the present moment drown out all of the beautiful noise surrounding you. It allows you to put that record back in its sleeve until you’re ready to play it again; until the song will feel like new again. Deciding to let go of the waiting allows for new to enter your heart and your life. You will know if someone or something is worth being patient for. I feel like I always know because the song of them or it is still one of my favorites. I decide to not listen for a while so I can find new favorite songs, only to one day replay the one I always know will be there and make me smile. I’m learning to not wait, but to trust. Trust that the best is worth being patient for, but never worth holding so tightly to that you can potentially miss out on something even better. Only God knows what amazing things lie ahead, so I eagerly look forward with the faith that I’ll hold a place in my heart for what my patience will reveal to me, but free up space for new blessings to shine their light into my life.
May 03, 2023Breaking Old Patterns
Today reminded me that the only way to truly break free of the patterns that lead to hurt, is to make an active decision to not fall back into them. Our brains are smart, the second a painful emotion arises or something triggers feelings that feel, well, awful, it goes into hyper-protective mode. Sometimes that voice is nothing but wounded noise trying to pass as a healing. Instead of actually helping us, it causes us to put up walls and not be honest with ourselves, or with others, about what’s REALLY going on. I’ve realized that when facing certain hurt or feelings, I brush it off. I feel the pain in silence and plaster on this “i’m okay, really!” attitude just so I don’t make anyone else feel bad. In return, I’m hurting and disrespecting myself and invalidating my own healing process by not allowing it to fully come into fruition. I don’t want to fall down that road again; the road of hurting myself so as to not come across as too emotional or too much. I need to allow myself to be honest, even if the things I need to share aren’t easy to say.
May 02, 2023Adjusting to change
Adjusting to change takes time. When you’re going through a shift in an area of your life, it can be easy to just jump right into a new way of thinking/feeling/acting to try and skip over all of the uncomfortable feelings that can come with change. It’s okay to acknowledge that some days may feel GREAT; calm, easy, and productive. Others you may be stuck in your head, feel lost, and wishing things could just be the way they were. When we begin to feel this way, we need to remember that if things remained the way they were, they wouldn’t get better- you wouldn’t get better. When I begin to find myself spiraling, I remind myself that I deserve to give myself, and my circumstances, the opportunity to grow and receive better. Life is all about adjusting to change and trying to navigate a sense of stability when it feels as if nothing can just BE. Part of me wishes for once something could just remain simple. But then I remember, simplicity is found in the little day to day moments, but life is meant to be big and ever evolving, and what’s meant to stay and progress throughout the swirling beautiful mess of life, will stay.
May 01, 2023